Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
