If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
