I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix