if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
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Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
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downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.