Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I met the friendliest cop last night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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