No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize