So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.