You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.