I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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