The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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