I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
