I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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