There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have fence marks all over my body
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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