His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
