I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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