Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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