The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
