The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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