They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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