I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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