the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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