respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
