WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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