Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
