I hate all girls vehemently.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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