He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
