What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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