cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
