people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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