The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
