grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
