I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She bit a glass in half.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
