Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
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Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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