Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
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