I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
