I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
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Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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