the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
