We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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