What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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