You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I would fuck him just for his dog