I got chris browned last night
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
