i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
