Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize