I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
