so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Every concussion has its silver lining
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?