Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
