I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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