I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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