Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I still have a little drunk in my system
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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