So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
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Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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