i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
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Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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