Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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